Woop, there I is!

Speaking with my brother tonight I realized there is another option for me in my quest to flee the people of this city. Perhaps a bunker is unnecessary. The answer, like others, involves our friend science! I loved Mr. Wizard as a kid and even as a semi-adult the Beakman's world show was fun. Pop on the Science channel or Discovery for just about anything and I'm there. So the latest easy solution to my problems we've decided is teleportation!

My wife bristles at the thought of moving back to St. Louis due to the fact that the sun shines there and makes things all sweaty. Given her genetic inheritances, which mostly involve all the translucent fair-skinned qualities of the Irish, I understand her reluctance. However, living in a snow-bank half the year hardly qualifies as the sweet life to me. Add to this the city full of A-holes dilemma and my yearning for Toasted Ravioli and what do you do? The solution, of course, lies in teleportation.

On the phone with my brother tonight I had this epiphany as we both commiserated on "what are you doing for dinner tonight?" I wanted toasted ravioli's, St. Louis style pizza, or a sandwich from a St. Louis locally owned chain of beef restaurants called Lion's choice. He was intrigued by the prospect of a house-slice of pizza and an Italian beef sandwich from a Chicago locally owned chain called Garibaldi's. To this end I suggested "we should teleport each other some chow and solve our culinary ennui!"

This brought me to another thought. How amazing would it be to be able to buy a home for 100,000 or less in some state with next to no taxes and no people nearby, then teleport back to Chicago for the day for work and maybe a meal? Would anyone live in a city anymore if they had the option to leave the noise, taxes, and oppressive government behind when work or play ended? The only way to solve these questions is to teleport. Scientists, chop chop!

Incredible shrinking magic money!

Lacking any raging talent in anything specific, I've always sought out something, anything that has been slightly different for me compared to your average joe. After some thought, it seemed like I have regular than average luck. Every time I walk up to a vending machine down a quarter, I find a quarter in the slot. When I've entered for contests, I've often won. Job interviews have me with a higher than average acceptance rate.

Knowing this, and the fact that I failed derriere-kissing 101 in college, I figured my best shot of the good life lie not in climbing the corporate ladder, but the lottery! That's right, 6 numbers to easy-street. Retirement on the raffle system for me. Once upon a time though, I was adult enough to say I would continue to work unless I had somewhere in the neighborhood of a 100 million dollar jackpot. After college that became 50 million. The current deflationary trend of my dream to say fuck-it and loaf at home has me on track to call it quits for a $5 scratchers victory. So far no dream fulfillment, but I've got 2 tickets for this weekend I haven't checked yet.

The next science breakthrough

As a species, we're pretty good at advancing the cause of science for those most special of reasons. Cancer cures? AIDS cures? No, penis and breast enlargement! Pretty much anything that makes our lives more fun or entertaining gets the nod.

This seems to be a great time to pitch for another scientific breakthrough. Of course this refers to recannable Nacho Cheese! That's right, everyone knows that the Frito Lay nacho cheese from the can (mild form only, please) is the best tortilla chip topping ever created. However, once you pop that lid, the cheese has a very short one-time-only shelf life. Efforts to scoop out the cheese, refrigerate, and reheat later NEVER work. For this reason SCIENCE (all in capital letters) must be invoked to solve this problem. Cancer and AIDS are a drag, but I need nacho cheese. The breast enlargement and penis pills are already ready, now I need cheese!