All Hail the Queen

I've spent a week getting sauced on the 24 count case of 20 oz IBC root beers I got down at the awesomeness known as Sam's Club and haven't posted. However, I want to tell you all about the dread terror of our time. For those of you that do not know, the greatest threat modern mankind faces comes not from terrorism, not from greed, but from hippies.

That's right, those dirty, dooby-dabbling, ne'er-do-wells from the 60's have not left us. Instead they all took a cryogenic nap in a commune cave somewhere remote, only to re-emerge decades later, pickled from all the drugs and alcohol, wholly unchanged with the same old creepy stupid belief systems threatening to drag the rest of civilization into their cesspool.

After slight modification, the Gaia-Earth-Spirit-Crystal-Astral-Mother, what I'll refer to as GE-SCAM, has become the "green movement." Latching on to a simplistic color coding scheme perfected by M&M's and mimiced by the Homeland Security Department when telling us "threat levels," the hippies have provided us a blueprint for revolution characterized by the mere color green. Supposedly being green is what everyone seeks, though the last time I remember someone saying "I want to look like Gumby" was sometime around 7th grade and that was only around halloween or that "special" time when little Timmy learned about the "changes" he was undergoing and wished he could stretch himself at will.

Most of the time, the tv tells me now that I should buy something either because it's green, I'll be green, or the package was recycled into something green. My favorite color as a child was blue so I couldn't give a rip. When the die-hards pop on my tv wearing silly t-shirts and buttons, holding signs, and angrily chanting rhyming couplets on the news-screen I learn the basics of being green. These basics apparently consist of the following: Stop bathing. Don't have babies (though I think step one helps avoid that problem). Stop producing anything. Love everyone else while hating yourself. Vote Democratic. Legalize marajuana. Prohibit freedom of thought, speech, gun-ownership, property ownership, smoking, and agriculture (except for marajuana production). The only good point in all this is that if I continue to want to think and say what I want while owning something, maybe I can get by as they are stoned, chanting, unarmed and leaving me the perfect opportunity to ignore them. Let's just keep them from commanding an army.

Oh crap, too late!